Wednesday, March 18, 2009

brunch, stocking up & a bit of a relapse...

it was a beautiful sunday morning at our house. the day of my blessingway (which i will post about later), and the day i decided to use for round one of stocking up our freezer before baby.

(part 1: brunch)

they had french bread & strawberries on sale at the grocer's, so what to make was a no brainer...french toast, fresh strawberries, sausage, & eggs. (yum! :)

a few of our spring flowers are the perfect addition to our spring table...

ehren is very much into having his picture taken lately...

aydin doing a bit of hamming...

(part 2: stocking up)

i decided today was the perfect day to begin stocking up the freezer before baby's arrival. french toast is always a favorite, it's easy to pop in the toaster and french bread was on sale at the grocer', i bought 4 loaves. we had some for brunch and then i froze a good 4 ziploc bags full.

a mountain of french toast...

while organizing the freezer to see what room i could make & what needed to be tossed/used, i found a large tub of pumpkin.
what i tend to crave most in the first few weeks after giving birth is good, old-fashioned, naturally i made pumpkin pies.
though only one of those made it as far as the freezer...:)

we are definitely a bread loving family! we easily go through 2 loaves a week...sandwiches of course, but also just peanut butter/buttered/or even plain bread for snacks. and nothing beats homemade bread...nothing.

but as i have only 2 large loaf pans, i will have to bake more over the course of the next few days...

(part 3: the relapse)

my blessingway was planned for 2pm, but i needed to pick a friend up before heading over so i was to leave the house around 1pm.

you would think that i would have taken the day off...perhaps a little pampering here, a bubble bath there...but no, i relapsed into supermom mode and ended up having quite an emotional afternoon.

the brunch and baking all went fine...the kitchen was now full of delicious aromas. as i put the loaves of bread in the oven, i made the cookie dough for the pumpkin cookies i was to bring to the blessing way (it was a potluck). the bread gets done baking, and as i am pulling it out of the oven, i realize that it is about 45 minutes before i am supposed to leave.

i put a batch of cookies in the oven, and run to jump in the shower. quick as a wink i am done, and switch to batch number 2. now scamper off to get dressed...and this is where the meltdown began.

i am 37 weeks pregnant and have not picked out what i am to wear. my belly appears to have grown by leaps and bounds over the last 24 hour period because nothing seems to fit...ehren, sensing that i am going somewhere attaches himself to my leg. i scoop him up and run to check on the cookies...not ready, but it is soooo close to time for me to leave, i throw another pan in & hope that they'll both be done in time. back to the closet, desperately trying to find something, a little bit nicer to wear to the blessingway, and trying my best to soothe ehren at the same time. aydin is asking me about mind is going a mile a minute trying to think of everything i need to do before i go...wrap up the food to be frozen, finish baking the cookies...why aren't they done yet?!?...dry my hair...what time is it??...oh my gosh...i have got to hurry...where are the freezer bags i just bought yesterday?!?

and then i lose it...i snap at the boys & at it their fault?? no. should i be scurrying abound like a rat trying to get a million things done?? no. and, of course, realizing that i have relapsed back into my old ways...well, that makes it worse. i get so aggravated at myself for being, why do i always have to try and cram a million things into each day?? it always ends up the same way, me stressed, rushing around, frustrtated at myself and the world.

i start crying because i am so mad at myself...and then the reality of it all hits...what am i so upset about?? because the cookies aren't going to be done in time?? why didn't i just being a loaf of bread that was done, or one of the pies that was done...??

at this point, i am late to leave, i am balling my eyes out, and i don't really feel like going anywhere...except maybe back to bed. now, i suppose that i can blame this entire ridiculous outburst on pregnancy hormones, but i don't think that that would be fair.

i pull myself together, kiss the boys & lance goodbye and head out the door.

on my way to pick up jenny, i do a bit of soul searching...i have done well on this journey to a new me. we certainly cannot change ourselves overnight. no, they say it takes us doing/not doing something for 21 days straight for it to become a part of our being, a "habit". i have only been on this road for a couple of weeks. i realize that i have done remarkably well, especially considering that i am trying to change a very central part of who i am. it is a struggle, but it is for the best. it is for the people who matter most in my life...lance and our children. it is for my own good, my own sanity.

i realize that this is all a part of the process...i realize that today's "episode" wasn't about cookies & ill-fitting clothes, but about facing our own inner demons. it was about ridding ourselves of all facades, our own skewed perceptions of who we was about humility & surrendering ourselves to whatever divine spirits/higher beings we believe in.

we must lose all sense of self, face our faults (all of them) before any real change can occur...before the authentic self can be reborn.

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