four is...well, more...

i got a bit behind on my posts, but that happens when one's life involes a newborn, a toddler, homeschooling 2 boys, having a wahm business. not to mention trying to keep up with dinners, cleaning, etc & attempting to live life as well...

but i wouldn't have it any other way!

people often say, "boy, you sure have your hands full"...is that a bad thing??

my life may involve chaos, seemingly endless loads of diapers, a house that is an obstacle course of legos & other toys strewn about, but it revolves around LOVE...the love of four amazing children & one devoted husband.

don't get me wrong, we have our days...last night was one for me.

having three children was a breeze. it was life as usual, with a newborn in tow. i used a wrap, and would nurse ehren in that. so there was little adapting our routine/life. and he was such an amazingly easy baby. so chill... we did have a few "issues" in the beginning, mainly there not being enough "mommy" to go around.

i expected four to be "more"... some complications during my pregnancy with evyn forced me to slow down & really take a good look at myself & our life & to begin making changes here & there. it was a good thing.

last night it hit me hard though...four children is a lot. orin & aydin are older (8 & 6), so they are relatively "easy" at this point, they can do so much for themselves & really only need me for little things here & there. but ehren (2) and evyn (3 weeks) are more intense.

i am the kind of person who hates to ask for help, and ever since evyn's was born, i feel like that is all i do. i am doing all that i can, which isn't half of what i did 1 month ago, and yet i am always asking the boys to hold evyn, or watch ehren so that he can be outside for a bit...start this load of laundry, go get this or please do that...

the actualy diaper changing, the feedings i can handle, the lack of sleep is beginning to effect me (i could give countless examples, but i won't :), but the constant pull from either evyn or ehren...one of them is always needing something, and i do not get a chance to *breathe*.

i used to knit, craft, read, take a bath, or even just sit outside to rejuvenate myself...but with a lot of the weather we have been having i can't take evyn outdoors, or if evyn is sleeping, then ehren isn't or vice versa. i don't feel quite ready to leave the boys in charge while i get a bath. and it is hard to knit/sew while nursing...:)

lance is home on weekends & helps out with diaper changes & things. but it still isn't enough. i melted last night & cried for the first time in a long time. i told him that when he is home i really need him to help out even more than he is. and his response if that it is the only time he isn't working, his 2 days off... i know, but i get no days off... ever. and everything is on me during the week...me & only me...

how do acheive a balance?? is there even such a thing??