post birth frustrations...

when we (evyn & i) were discharged from the hospital the pediatrician wanted me to bring her in for a check-up within 2-3 days. (with ehren, our now 2 year old, we weren't to bring him in until he was 1 week old.) i compromised...her appoinment was yesterday, when she was five days old.

the appointment was at 9am, but of course we have to drive into town (weaverville) and they asked us to arrive 10 minutes early to fill out paperwork. we leave the house at 8:30am.

her check-up went fine, she slept through almost all of it. the poor woman had to almost pry her eyes open to check the pupil reflexes, evyn was out like a light! she wanted me to get her biliruben checked though as she had a bit of a yellow tinge, as do most babies (or at least our 4).

she wrote up an order for us & it was off to mission lab express, in asheville (another 15 minutes away).

we did stop in at the weaverville fire dept to have the car seat checked out. i just wanted to make sure that we had it in right as it was sitting a bit funny & the fire department is 2 doors down from the doctor's office.

from there we are off to the mission's lab express. once there, we waited...and waited...and waited....and waited...why they call it the lab express i will never know.

evyn was wonderful though, she slept most of the morning, so it wasn't too bad. but keep in mind that she is only 5 days old & that i gave birth only 5 days earlier...meaning that NEITHER of us should be out of the house.

i make a quick stop at the store to pick up some diapers (we use the disposable until her cord falls off), and a few other things.

by the time we get home it is 2:30pm...meaning that we had been out for 5 1/2 hours! i was exhausted, my back was killing me, & i was ravenous. lance said that i looked pale...the cramping & bleeding that had mainly subsided the previous day returned full force...

now, let's just think on this for a minute...

new dawn midwifery left a pamphlet with me, my "postpartum instructions", what does it say??

"keep in mind that you have conceived and grown a baby for nine months & experienced both labor and delivery.

you need your rest. we suggest that you try to stay in bed for the first week...

remember, in addition to having given birth, you will have severe sleep deprivation from being up day & night. furthermore, you will have the hormonal shifts of postpartum & your milk coming in. please respect this process & rest.

this time should be spent bonding with the new baby. "

the woman at the bakery where i stopped to get a scone & a cup of coffee said that i was brave to have her out at only 5 days old.

a woman at the fire department asked how old she was, when i said 5 days, she said..."and you're out & about??"

3 people in the check out line in the grocery store said the same...

it is only common sense that we have both evyn & i have been through a lot...giving birth is a very intense experience, & we should not have been out. we should have been at home getting to know this new little being that has entered our lives. we should be at home with our family, resting & enjoying being a family...

the kicker?? i got up the morning & had a message on the machine from evyn's doctor. when i called her back, she said that evyn's bilirubin came back slightly elevated & they have put in orders for us to have it checked again tomorrow (friday).

i said, "no." she said, "no?"

i said, "no. we were gone yesterday from 8:30am until 2:30pm, 5 1/2 hours! my discharge orders are to try to not even leave the bed for the first week. it was sunny yesterday & we spent the afternoon outside in the sun. and i will get her out in the sun as much as i can in the next few days. we have an appointment next week, and if they still want her biliruben checked after that, then i will take her. but not tomorrow."

i told her how yesterday was too much & that if left me completely exhausted.

and she said ok. :)

it is frustrationg though that nothing is sacred...not even the most beautiful, most basic of occurances- giving birth. what is best for mother & child is no longer honored or respected. these are precious moments, and evyn is fine...if there was a life threatening issue concerning her health, i wouldn't hesitate to do everything within my power to help her.

but from the moment evyn came into this world it is my job, as her mother, to do what is best for her. and right now that is keeping her close to me, in our home, away from all the madness of the outside world...all of the lights, noise, germs, etc; breastfeeding, giving her all my love and making sure that she gets as much bonding time with her father & brothers as possible.

post birth blessing...

evyn as born a bit after midnight on friday, march 27th. since that first night, even when evyn & i were still in the hospital, our friends have been bringing us dinners. we have been blessed with homemade chicken pot pie, salmon & rice, a massive lasagna (it was so huge i actually froze half!!), fettucine alfredo, black bean soup, quite a few loaves of homemade bread, salads, ice cream, even brownies!

at one point we actually had to tell them to take a night off so that we could catch up...

there is a community here in madison county, one that we have been lucky enough to find ourselves immersed in. mainly homeschooling mamas/families, and mainly from the madison county homeschool co-op. never have i/we felt so loved & well looked after, never...

there are even a few women from town (asheville), mamas that i have only met briefly when trading baby clothes, or diapers & things. when they heard of evyn's birth, i received email after email saying that they would love to bring us dinner one night.

we have had calls asking us if we need anything from the store, do we need reading material...offers to take the older boys for play dates...i am amazed. i/we have never had it so good & i feel truly blessed.

lance took this week off as well, so i am defnitely feeling a bit spoiled! :)

these same mamas put together a blessingway for evyn, just weeks before she was born. again, the amount of love that i feel for these amazing mamas is, well...there just aren't words enough to describe.

here are a few photos from the blessingway...

but i would also like to give a shout out as well...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!...

amanda starr, amanda wilder, gina smith, tina beaudet, heather mikus, jenny miller, elizabeth martin, katie watkins, teresa ramsey, nancy holbrook, dallas & tammy goodman, carrie berry, and of course their families...

i feel truly blessed to have you all in my life, and look forward to when i am able to give back! :)

Evyn Nicole Kinney...an early spring blessing! :)

our baby girl was due april 5th, but she arrived early friday morning...1 1/2 weeks early!


born: march 27, 2009, 12:22am
weight: 7# 15 oz
length: 19 inches

she is beautiful...and just look at that hair!


Evyn Nicole Kinney

her proud papa...

the big brothers...aydin (6), orin (8), & ehren (2).
some friends made these awsome "big brother" shirts for the boys!!


mama's love...

i went into labor a little before 9pm thrusday evening, as she was born just after midnight.

it was a little bit crazy, as i was getting our boys to bed & lance was at work. i had just finished folding laundry when i felt the first contraction. you would think that after having given birth to 3 children i would know when i am in labor, but they all so different.

i called lance at work to give him a head's up, that i might be in labor, but by the time he actually got to the phone, i knew. the boys and i got all our bags packed and ready, and i called my friend katie (also a doula) and of course my midwife.

then it was off to the hospital! i arrived and was 4cm dilated, as is typical. we walked a few laps around the birthing wing, and labor was nearly 9cm. a few more contractions, and then we made our way to the tub. all of the water birth rooms were full, so we made due with the bathtub.

it was a beautiful birth...i felt very loved & supported. and our 6 year old, aydin, was there. he did great! he got a little weary at the end, as the pushing began...as it is quite intense at that point. but he stayed by my side until the end.

brunch, stocking up & a bit of a relapse...

it was a beautiful sunday morning at our house. the day of my blessingway (which i will post about later), and the day i decided to use for round one of stocking up our freezer before baby.


(part 1: brunch)


they had french bread & strawberries on sale at the grocer's, so what to make was a no brainer...french toast, fresh strawberries, sausage, & eggs. (yum! :)

a few of our spring flowers are the perfect addition to our spring table...




ehren is very much into having his picture taken lately...

aydin doing a bit of hamming...

(part 2: stocking up)

i decided today was the perfect day to begin stocking up the freezer before baby's arrival. french toast is always a favorite, it's easy to pop in the toaster and french bread was on sale at the grocer's...so, i bought 4 loaves. we had some for brunch and then i froze a good 4 ziploc bags full.

a mountain of french toast...

while organizing the freezer to see what room i could make & what needed to be tossed/used, i found a large tub of pumpkin.

what i tend to crave most in the first few weeks after giving birth is good, old-fashioned homecooking...so, naturally i made pumpkin pies.

though only one of those made it as far as the freezer...:)

we are definitely a bread loving family! we easily go through 2 loaves a week...sandwiches of course, but also just peanut butter/buttered/or even plain bread for snacks. and nothing beats homemade bread...nothing.

but as i have only 2 large loaf pans, i will have to bake more over the course of the next few days...


(part 3: the relapse)

my blessingway was planned for 2pm, but i needed to pick a friend up before heading over so i was to leave the house around 1pm.

you would think that i would have taken the day off...perhaps a little pampering here, a bubble bath there...but no, i relapsed into supermom mode and ended up having quite an emotional afternoon.

the brunch and baking all went fine...the kitchen was now full of delicious aromas. as i put the loaves of bread in the oven, i made the cookie dough for the pumpkin cookies i was to bring to the blessing way (it was a potluck). the bread gets done baking, and as i am pulling it out of the oven, i realize that it is about 45 minutes before i am supposed to leave.

i put a batch of cookies in the oven, and run to jump in the shower. quick as a wink i am done, and switch to batch number 2. now scamper off to get dressed...and this is where the meltdown began.

i am 37 weeks pregnant and have not picked out what i am to wear. my belly appears to have grown by leaps and bounds over the last 24 hour period because nothing seems to fit...ehren, sensing that i am going somewhere attaches himself to my leg. i scoop him up and run to check on the cookies...not ready, but it is soooo close to time for me to leave, i throw another pan in & hope that they'll both be done in time. back to the closet, desperately trying to find something, a little bit nicer to wear to the blessingway, and trying my best to soothe ehren at the same time. aydin is asking me about something...my mind is going a mile a minute trying to think of everything i need to do before i go...wrap up the food to be frozen, finish baking the cookies...why aren't they done yet?!?...dry my hair...what time is it??...oh my gosh...i have got to hurry...where are the freezer bags i just bought yesterday?!?

and then i lose it...i snap at the boys & at lance...is it their fault?? no. should i be scurrying abound like a rat trying to get a million things done?? no. and, of course, realizing that i have relapsed back into my old ways...well, that makes it worse. i get so aggravated at myself for being, well...me. why do i always have to try and cram a million things into each day?? it always ends up the same way, me stressed, rushing around, frustrtated at myself and the world.

i start crying because i am so mad at myself...and then the reality of it all hits...what am i so upset about?? because the cookies aren't going to be done in time?? why didn't i just being a loaf of bread that was done, or one of the pies that was done...??

at this point, i am late to leave, i am balling my eyes out, and i don't really feel like going anywhere...except maybe back to bed. now, i suppose that i can blame this entire ridiculous outburst on pregnancy hormones, but i don't think that that would be fair.

i pull myself together, kiss the boys & lance goodbye and head out the door.

on my way to pick up jenny, i do a bit of soul searching...i have done well on this journey to a new me. we certainly cannot change ourselves overnight. no, they say it takes us doing/not doing something for 21 days straight for it to become a part of our being, a "habit". i have only been on this road for a couple of weeks. i realize that i have done remarkably well, especially considering that i am trying to change a very central part of who i am. it is a struggle, but it is for the best. it is for the people who matter most in my life...lance and our children. it is for my own good, my own sanity.

i realize that this is all a part of the process...i realize that today's "episode" wasn't about cookies & ill-fitting clothes, but about facing our own inner demons. it was about ridding ourselves of all facades, our own skewed perceptions of who we are...it was about humility & surrendering ourselves to whatever divine spirits/higher beings we believe in.

we must lose all sense of self, face our faults (all of them) before any real change can occur...before the authentic self can be reborn.